Featured Story

week of January 11, 2020

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

by Chris Blake

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Even if their gas tanks are near empty, cars that crash will almost always burst into explosive flames.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering the kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness’ sake keep your mouth shut.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at one man.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Creepy music coming from a cemetary should always be investigated more closely.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations—even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain deaths when the helicopter explodes.

Couples having sex outside of marriage never worry about STDs—nor should they.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in three seconds— unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their driving and their actions.

You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

An electric fence, powerful enough to stun or kill a giant dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Honest and hard-working police officers are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in nuclear fission at age 22.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son’s sixth birthday.

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